Nearly all families have some dysfunction. And SECRETS. Secrets are bonding. A family will unconsciously assign “roles” to different members to compensate for some of the imperfections in the group, or deep-seated wishes. (E.g., “peace keeper,” “servant,” “provider,” “the sick/incompetent one”) If you want to break free and assign yourself roles that feel more AUTHENTIC, you need to look at the pacts that were created, first by your imperfect parents, and then joined by everyone, and then automatically reinforced in a thousand tiny interactions and words. How would someone outside the family, looking at the HEALTH of every person, see the games that you collectively allowed? Then practice HEALTH. On The Family, John Bradshaw.
You Are Allowed to Outgrow Your Parents’ Wishes For You
The “gifted child” is every child who is born and who uses his/her wiles to survive. It will accept nearly all treatments because it instinctively knows that the alternative is to be abandoned, punished, or die. That’s why abused children stay. Children’s brains grasp how they need to behave in order to survive. The trick is, when you CAN survive on your own, pull away from rotten “deals” with a parent. Say “no” to being put in the service of a parent’s dysfunctions--pleasing parents who really want to continue to own you, and maybe use you. You can love them, but when you grow up, try to rescue the SELF-WITHIN that compromised extremely, that “went along” with THEIR PERSONALITY more than it wanted to, deep-down. The Drama of the Gifted Child, Alice Miller.
Your Life Matters, Own It, Don’t Waste It
Pelzer is a coach for people who need to grow up. He himself transcended a horrific, cruel childhood. He models what it means to BECOME HEALTHY. Stop blaming other people, hating based on stupid reasons, own your actions. The book is aimed at teens, but trust me, it’s a bath of wisdom. Help Yourself for Teens, Real-Life Advice for Real-Life Challenges, Dave Pelzer.
Stay on Top of Boundaries, Confusing Foibles
We all get into stupid pickles on a daily basis. “My mother-in-law smokes around my kids.” “My boyfriend won’t let me see my friends.” “My friend won’t speak to me since the wedding.” If you want excellent, routine coaching, covering the big and little foibles of life, subscribe to her feed or read her books. Carolyn Hax, https://www.washingtonpost.com/people/carolyn-hax/ or Tell Me About It.