​Many states are heading for Sharia-law-like treatment of women, with punishments for miscarriage even worse than for rape by a man. (Alabama, maybe Georgia, Missouri) Look at their state’s rank for quality of life for poor women: low in education, high in teen pregnancy, high in percentage of people with no medical insurance, etc.

All states are not equal as desirable places to live, work, and BREATHE if you are female. Being poor, single, unskilled, and pregnant will put you in the lowest rung of society, maybe for life. If you have a choice in where you live…

Meanwhile, I’ve always thought that a modern age of Internet access and social media make it easier to circumvent “establishments” that are hostile to your existence. You can get information and find helpful people like never before. I just hope poor students have access and use it.

Today’s Washington Post reports that students at Hampton University created a campus helpline for others, for contraception, moral and logistical support.

https://www.washingtonpost.com/local/education/women-at-two-va-universities-wanted-more-access-to-the-morning-after-pill-so-they-took-matters-into-their-own-hands/2019/05/18/e7cd95b6-78c2-11e9-bd25-c989555e7766_story.html

Not only that, the article says George Mason University and other colleges and universities in California and Pennsylvania have installed vending machines for Plan B pills. Their student health clinics support emergency contraception too.

College students, you can lobby for this kind of support at your college and university and initiate peer advice lines.

High school students, look at the climate of the college and university you are considering, in supporting sex education and reproductive rights.

And everybody, sex education is free on the Internet. Choose to avoid unwanted pregnancy!
​
Thank goodness, the new generation is on the job. 

Two famous women are on my mind, recently. Diana Athill (1917-2019), a British literary editor, died in January (2019) at age 101. And Nuala O’Faolain (1940-2008), an Irish journalist.

Both of their lives overlapped with mine. After reading their memoirs, I was struck by their unconventional romantic lives. You could say “wild,” “immoral,” “creative,” and “reckless.” I’ll use the neutral word “non-conforming.”

I told a friend: “I wish I’d known a woman could have a life like that. It would have lifted a lot of guilt, confusion, and tortured decisions. I wanted to be Bohemian, and secretly was, but didn’t realize it was allowed.” My friend said: “Most of that behavior was secret at the time. That’s why you didn’t know. And it wasn’t allowed.”

In retrospect, I did know about wild women during my college days, the impressionable years. In reading about existentialism, I encountered Simone de Beauvoir (1908-1986), a French intellectual and the author of a feminist classic, The Second Sex. She and her partner Jean Paul Sartre were together for more than fifty years, but lived separately and had an open relationship.

Anais Nin (1903-1977), a French-Cuban writer and student of psychoanalysis, wrote more than fifteen volumes between 1914 through 1955, and is known for her frankness about sex. One of her lovers was Henry Miller. A few volumes of her diaries were part of my erotic education.

They were both Bohemians in Paris. Bohemians are by definition unconventional, artistic, adventurous, and even intentionally poor. They were into free love.

Diana Athill became engaged very young and waited for her fiancé through World War II, but he chose not to come back to her. She became lovers with someone with whom she founded a publishing house, and worked with him for 50 years. She had a love affair with an Egyptian writer. She had a long relationship with an African American writer. She spent four decades living with a Jamaican playwriter, during which a younger woman moved in and shared him. She had a miscarriage at 43 that nearly killed her, otherwise no children.

When Nuala O’Faolain arrived in Ireland in the 1940s, she says “It was a tomb for women.”  Her mother fell in love with a peer in journalism school, and then went on to have nine children, while her husband worked far away and took lovers after the first three children. Catholic Ireland discouraged education for women, suppressed all sex education, and outlawed and punished abortion and illegitimacy. Nuala grew up as a “nobody.” Her mother and siblings became “ferocious” alcoholics.

She escaped the “wasteland” of her childhood with the support of an older male mentor who paid her way to a boarding school. She never married but had long relationships, some with married men. She was “in trouble” all her life, promiscuous and drunk. Life was rough as she came out of naivete and poverty to enter upper class and cosmopolitan social circles. She smoked and drank too much all her life; she was known to be angry and sarcastic. Nevertheless, she became a renowned journalist for the BBC, an academic, and a successful author.

One woman was born to privilege, and after feeling abandoned and foiled in her “proper path,” gave up on a traditional romantic life. The other was born in extreme poverty, and feeling her life was hopeless, broke all the rules of “decency” that had never served her and went out and made the best of it.

In my generation, women with unconventional relationships were in forbidden territory, morally.

Times have changed, though. The hook-up culture, single parenthood and other trends have taken some of the stigma out of being non-conforming. Single parenthood is at about 35% of households. The overall percentage of women who have no children has doubled in a generation from nine percent to eighteen percent (data from 2017). The percentage of childless goes up for professional women—from 45% to even 80% (a statistic I remember for my generation, for whom delegated childcare was controversial).
​
Non-conforming life styles, it turns out, have always been around, even outside Paris, and now they’re decent enough.

Here’s a very good—if not downright shocking--exposition of how the deck is stacked against 90% of the population, and how income inequality is being programmed into our system at this time in America. It’s worth reading 45 printed pages, if you want to understand what happened and how it affects YOUR PERSONAL PLACE in our society.

https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2018/06/the-birth-of-a-new-american-aristocracy/559130/

What do you tell yourself and anyone who may not be born to the 1% class or the 9.9% class?

Think of our system as a game with rewards and penalties. Figure out how you can play to “win” a “decent life.”

THINGS WE CAN CONTROL

ONE: HAVING A CHILD TOO SOON

Don’t be a young, uneducated single parent. Learn about sex and contraception if your school and parents don’t teach you. Know how to use contraception, and use it. This knowledge & practice may make the difference between life-long poverty and “a decent life.”

Know your options for accidental pregnancy. Young fertile women: go back to old times if you have to, GO UNDERGROUND, REBEL. It is a different world now with the Internet, books and pills via online order. Women from the beginning of time have helped each other.  You can avoid unplanned pregnancy.

When I read about unwed girls who are eighteen and have three children, and they are crying about not being handed a “decent life,” good luck. You needed to be smarter. Would you change places with your first, second and third baby? Our society may try to support the babies but see below (mean times in the USA…)

Be the best parent you can be, because, Stewart notes, “the single best predictor of [a good life] … is the performance of his or her parents.”

TWO: EDUCATION

Get an education that gets you a living wage.  At a minimum, a technical certificate through a community college. Do you want to spend your life in poverty? Don’t give yourself a mountain to climb. Not everybody likes school. But minimum-wage jobs will not support a family, and without benefits, the minute you hit back luck, you’re out (of the running for “a decent life”).

THREE: VOTE

If you did not vote, or you voted for the people in authority now, watch how your safety nets are being cut: health care, child care, minimum wage, food stamps, unemployment, subsidized housing, pensions. Schooling for your child. The ability to earn a living wage AND take care of a family. There is one tiny POWER that you have: you can vote for people who believe in helping people, and who will try to reverse the trend toward growing the under-class and leaving the 90% to fend for themselves.

FOUR: MARRY WISELY

Sure, fall in love. Young and old. But you do not have to marry somebody right away, to start building a relationship that is the foundation for a marriage. Postpone children until you have confirmed that you have a partner who will help you, not ruin and break you. Marriage is a financial contract. You give control over your life to another person and maybe their family. If your judgment is off, or you were wrong or misinformed, bail out.

Again, women from the beginning of time have had networks that helped other women get out of a bad situation. We have never had so much information available on signs of danger, advice about domestic violence, Help Lines, shelters for women and children. Women before us, and in some cultures, are consigned to be victims in a bad marriage for the rest of their lives. Exercise your choice and ask people to help you.
 
​THINGS WE CANNOT CONTROL (YOU NEED LUCK)

BAD HEALTH

Some of us inherited mental illness and it might kick in around your early 20’s. Inherently, you are not rational and capable of coping. You have to be lucky in having parents and other adults figure out what is happening, and get you good care, and bail you out. You might have an accident before you are covered well by insurance, or fall ill. Catastrophic bills, inability to work. Nobody plans for this.

ADDICTION

Your circumstances, or a serious illness, can lead you or your family member down the path to addiction. There is public-funded rehab, but that’s the kind of service that is being cut. There may be detox and jail. Stewart notes the rise in “deaths of despair.”

BORN THE “WRONG KIND” IN YOUR WORLD

You may grow up and realize you are a member of a group that is disadvantaged, a thousand and one ways. You are female, gay, dark-skinned, a believer in a religion that has been stigmatized. Toxic things can happen to “your kind” on the street and in the workplace. You might try inoculation: learn about the toxic things, how to respond so you stay alive and mentally well, and how to thrive in spite of the adversity. Don’t be naïve. Try not to be killed, beaten, raped, fired. You are navigating a zone of hostility. But you can learn about MANY people of “your kind” that have made it to success and who will support you, and advise you, and heal you. (Yes, you can RESIST. See “try not to get killed,” and “VOTE” above.)

BLOCKS TO EDUCATION, JOBS

You can find yourself in an environment where education costs too much, there are no jobs right now (depression, recession), or people will simply not let you have them. (e.g., Unconscious or conscious discrimination) Immigrants in America have shown us that you can come in from outside and beat “the system.” You may have to have extraordinary grit, savvy, and luck. Take the hand that’s dealt, and play it.
 
The irony of our young people, more boys than girls, is that they learn complex online games that have esoteric, bizarre rules, with points and scores, and with surprise enemies and obstacles built into the game. That is what life is, except that there aren’t enough help tutorials to tell you everything you need to know up front. And losing really hurts. You discover some of the obstacles through experience, and sometimes you cannot recover. It can be “game over” regarding success, security, and comfort—happiness. Or, you have to muster really hard. You have extra mountains to climb, in this game.
​
As a holocaust survivor advised: “Try to make a life.” [-per Margot Friedman’s mother]

Remember Helen Reddy’s “I Am Woman” (“I am strong, I am invincible, I am woman”), released in 1971?

Here we are, 47 years later: a new addition to the feminist message: Christina Aguilera and Demi Lovato’s FALL IN LINE.  

TRIGGER WARNING: there are a few lines in this song that are scary hostile obscene and will offend many people in my generation. A theme of anger and protest (“fire in my veins”), not just self-assertion (“I am human”).

This song HAS A DARK SIDE. If you saw the performance during the Billboards Awards, you saw the military theme, with lots of black.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WyuPSLj_6aw

LYRICS EXCERPTS:

Little girls, listen closely
'Cause no one told me
But you deserve to know
That in this world, you are not beholden
You do not owe them
Your body and your soul
(chorus)
It's just the way it is
And maybe it's never gonna change
But I got a mind to show my strength (my strength)
And I got a right to speak my mind (my mind)
And I'm gonna pay for this (I'm gonna pay for this)
They're gonna burn me at the stake
But I got a fire in my veins
'Cause I wasn't made to fall in line
But I got a fire in my veins
I'm never gonna fall in line, oh
 
On a lighter note. I am a fan of Christina Aguilera, especially: A Great Big World, Say Something
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-2U0Ivkn2Ds
​

​Mary Beard, a professor of classics at the University of Cambridge is a well-known expert and author of a history of ancient Rome. She is also present on social media, including a blog and a Twitter feed.

Just this past December she published two talks as Women & Power: a Manifesto. https://www.amazon.com/Women-Power-Manifesto-Mary-Beard/dp/1631494759/

She traces the origins of misogyny to ancient Greek and Roman roots. Women have been prohibited from leadership roles in civic life since then, and public speech has historically been defined as inherently male.

She draws on classic and contemporary examples, including the battering of Hillary Clinton and Elizabeth Warren.

p. 36. “It doesn’t much matter what line you take as a woman, if you venture into traditional male territory, the abuse comes anyway. It is not what you say that prompts it, it’s simply the fact that you’re saying it. And that matches the detail of the threats themselves. They include a fairly predictable menu of rape, bombing, murder and so forth. … A significant subsection is directed at silencing the woman. ‘Shut up you bitch.’ … In its crude, aggressive way, this is about keeping, or getting, women out of man’s talk.”

If you look at her Twitter feed, you’ll see that she is very familiar with the most vicious of Internet trolls, and even jokes with them in her Tweets.

In fact, if you are a student of “how bad does the trolling get,” this is one place to look. Also, take a look at responses to #MeToo messages. And “gamergate” messaging, when females in the gaming industry complained about their treatment by male peers and got death threats.

Other quotes:

p. 53 “My basic premise is that our mental, cultural template for a powerful person remains resolutely male. … To put this the other way around, we have no template for what a powerful woman looks like, except that she looks rather like a man.”  [photo of Angela Merkel and Hillary Clinton in the “female politician’s uniform” of trousers—a dark pant suit.]

p. 62 [regarding the myths about Amazon women] “The basic message was that the only good Amazon was a dead one, or one that had been mastered, in the bedroom. The underlying point was that it was the duty of men to save civilization from the rule of women.”

Her point about “our mental, cultural template” echoes another favorite expert: Virginia Valian, who wrote Why So Slow? about the low numbers of women in professions. She called it our “schema,” not a “template,” and noted that our schema for a professional person (especially a scientist) was incompatible with our schema for women.

Basically, we think the idea of a powerful woman, or a professional woman, is WRONG, and NOT NATURAL.

Watch this expressed nearly every day, as women are interrupted, insulted, and banned from speaking. (For example, a Congresswoman, IN CONGRESS).

If you have time to dip into feminist classics, this is one, I think.
​
Mary Beard is taking unbelievable fire for speaking out. The backlash is proving her point.

We watched the PBS program Black American Since MLK: And Still I Rise, narrated by Henry Louis Gates, Jr. It is awful to see that some of the riots and issues of the 60s seem fresh and raw. Martin Luther King was spot on. He saw it like it is, then, and now.

The level of hostility on the part of whites. The message “I am human. I am beautiful,” on the part of blacks.  http://www.pbs.org/show/black-america-mlk-and-still-i-rise/

(Can you picture dogs being unleashed on white children?)

My Jeff (a political scientist) defines politics as: “who gets what, when, where, and who says who gets what.”

We know which groups are dis-enfranchised in America. What’s shocking is the many ways those groups are DE-HUMANIZED, to justify their exclusion from “the good life in America.”

A friend sends me a link on “The Root of All Cruelty?” from the New Yorker. It explains a few things. https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2017/11/27/the-root-of-all-cruelty

How can humans deny other humans basic respect (food, safety, a livelihood), and systematically block them from a human status, if not systematically kill them? Civilization gives us “normal” inhibitions against murdering people we do not like. To murder them, we have to overcome this inhibition, and see the victims as NOT REALLY HUMANS.

It is “normal” for humans to define people outside their group as Others. But if you convince your tribe that the OTHERS are ANIMALS, you can get respectable people to kill or torture members of an other-group. Engage in genocide.

The history of slavery shows that humans have believed it is acceptable to OWN OTHERs. You need a belief that some people are “natural slaves.” Not-humans.

We can make it more comfortable to exclude, punish, and kill OTHERS by calling them animals. (Sex offenders, the poor, illegal immigrants, dementia patients)

[For example, separating young children from their parents when they are apprehended illegal immigrants. It’s a form of torture.]

One way to DE-HUMANIZE is to HUMILIATE the target group. The Nazis did this by making high-status Jewish professionals sweep the streets. By sexually assaulting Jewish women. “The sadism of treating human beings like vermin.”

I want to get to the insights on MISOGYNY, of course. Rapists are men who degrade women and use them without compassion/mercy. Men can act like they “own” women.

 The root of misogyny, per the author Kate Manne, is that men have come to expect good things from women, like attention, admiration, sympathy, solace, and sex and love. When they don’t get it, they must PUNISH the BAD WOMAN. They feel justified in violence, and even murder. They also want to SHAME and PUNISH women into BEHAVING LIKE MEN WANT THEM TO.

“An observation made by Margaret Atwood [The Handmaid’s Tale etc]—that men are afraid that women will laugh at them, and women are afraid that men will kill them.”

In a discussion of concentration camps, the point goes further: what looks like the dehumanization of the other is instead a way to exert power over another human.

 [The full article: https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2017/11/27/the-root-of-all-cruelty ]

To summarize: a group resorts to HATE in order to gain POWER over an OTHER group. To incite HATE, you need to DE-HUMANIZE the OTHER. Thus normal, “civilized” feelings of empathy, benevolence, even affection, can be transmogrified into rejecting the OTHER as an ANIMAL of sorts. Someone you can USE, DOMINATE, OPPRESS, and even KILL.

To overcome HATE and DISCRIMINATION, you need to HUMANIZE the OTHER. You need to promote empathy, understanding, mutual respect. Have different groups communicate and share perspectives and life experiences. Have people see and feel a common humanity with members of an “other” group.

A favorite book is Allan G. Johnson’s Privilege, Power and Difference. My review and link: http://www.momox.org/blog/allan-g-johnson-privilege-power-and-difference

A favorite intervention is Intergroup Contact Theory. Google “intergroup contact theory” or see https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Contact_hypothesis
​
To summarize: HATE is about POWER. We know how it can be lessened. We have to want to lessen the hate.

 
If you want to have a good laugh about the nonsense of messages to girls in our society, follow https://twitter.com/manwhohasitall or buy his book https://www.amazon.com/Man-Who-Has-All-Patronizing/dp/1510729097/
 
This could be a fun read with a glass of wine or a few, and discussion. As in, what??

He uses SATIRE and PARODY to mock advice columns, by aiming them at men:

“Working husband and father? Feeling overwhelmed? YOUR FAULT. Drink more water, get up earlier and dress in your ‘wow’ colors.”

“Women and men are equal but different. For example, men are better at knowing when to clean the bathroom, dusting, ironing and being the subordinate sex class and we should absolutely celebrate that.”
​
(Here’s a fun fact: Amazon has this classified under “gender studies/men”)

College and Life. Here’s where the harsh facts of a woman’s life are relevant. You know about women who were strong in the face of adversity. You have vicariously lived the experience of girls in novels, telling the emotional struggles of the teen years in forming identity. You are deciding if you care about society and the world, and the status of women. If it is a factor in your life.

This is where you can equip yourself with facts about sexist history in society, so that you do not blame yourself for unfair treatment, if you encounter it. Possibly experiences with: applications to college, applications for jobs, entering the workplace as a nubile, sexually-attractive woman, weighing romance and jobs, marriage and family. Competing with young men whom you want to date or marry, possibly. Marrying somebody and finding out what the partnership means for your career.

Regarding the college experience, google “feminism and college” for articles on the college experience and discovering women’s rights in college:

https://www.nytimes.com/2017/03/31/us/on-campus-embracing-feminism-and-facing-the-future.html

https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/how-to-embrace-college-as-a-feminist-experience_us_591b4e0be4b03e1c81b00984

(Don’t be put off by the label “feminism.” Substitute the phrase “the status of women” or “equal rights” for that word. There is a stigma on the word “feminism” as “man-hating.” That’s old propaganda.)

Regarding negotiating a salary in a new job, the pay gap, workplace hostility, women’s rights, leadership development, I would scout the AAUW website: https://www.aauw.org/  Look at their reports for topics on women and student loans, for example, and the pay gap. https://www.aauw.org/resources/by-type/reports/

You can get very serious about gender studies and read a textbook or take a course:
https://www.amazon.com/Introduction-Womens-Gender-Studies-Interdisciplinary/dp/0199315469/
 
About sexual harassment, I’ve posted these links before:
http://hrdailyadvisor.blr.com/2011/10/23/how-to-respond-to-a-harasser-10-things-to-say/
http://www.stopstreetharassment.org/strategies/assertive-responses/assertive-responses-stories/

Now,
Your girl is prepared for her interview with Harvey Weinstein or Bill Cosby. Kick it.

High school. This is the age where, I hear, students actually learn about the holocaust. Evils of the world. Below are lists of stories and novels, not political diatribes or data.

Here are recommendations: 11 Young-Adult Books for Stoking the Feminist Fire by Jen Doll
http://nymag.com/strategist/2017/01/good-feminist-books-for-teenage-girls.html

I have not vetted this list, but pick the kind of story you like, and the list-maker thinks they will raise the issues of being a girl/woman here:  50 Crucial Feminist YA Novels by Kayla Whaley.

https://www.barnesandnoble.com/blog/teen/50-crucial-feminist-ya-novels/

​It includes, of course, I Am Malala.
https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/i-am-malala-malala-yousafzai/1117543444?
 
Again,
Is your girl prepared for her interview with Harvey Weinstein or Bill Cosby yet?

Up to middle school. We don’t want to traumatize children. We shield them from violence and extreme realities of life, and history.

Let’s emphasize role models. Women who have done wonderful things for society.

The fact that these women overcame obstacles is secondary. What we emphasize here are positives: ambition, persistence, courage. Moxie. They are heroines, and I (a girl) can aspire to become a woman like them.

I personally love biographies: life stories of how a girl became a woman and then a heroine in history. I don’t need to be a heroine myself, but I (a girl) need to know that it is a choice that other women made, AND THEY SUCCEEDED.

For example:
Harriet Tubman
Rosa Parks
Sojourner Truth
Sacagawea
Marie Curie
Sally Ride
Sonya Sotomayor
Ruth Bader Ginsburg
Alexandra David-Neel
Madame Blavatsky
Michelle Obama
Oprah Winfrey
Serena Williams
 
Here are some search strategies:
“famous black women”
“famous Native American women”
“famous Latinas”
“famous women in history”
“famous women in science”

Their stories will inevitably tell about obstacles in their way as women. But the stories tell of obstacles OVERCOME. The heroines CLAIM the opportunity. They don’t back off. They PERSIST.

A common message is: “Don’t listen when you hear that girls are not allowed. They allow themselves.”

You get the picture. See if there is a BIOGRAPHY WRITTEN FOR CHILDREN for your favorite female heroines. Search Amazon on her name.

See the section BIOGRAPHIES OF WOMEN IN SCIENCE AND ENGINEERING (ROLE MODELS) for links to places that list books for children. http://www.momox.org/women-se-resources.html  

​The National Women’s History Project has resources for children: https://shop.nwhp.org/childrens-resources-c210.aspx

​For example, the book A is for Abigail, From A to Z “This wonderfully illustrated children's book introduces a wide array of women in American history. Each colorful page of the alphabet is filed to the brim with pictures and words that celebrate remarkable achievements of American women. 36 pages, hardcover, enjoyable for all ages.”  https://shop.nwhp.org/a-is-for-abigail-p4703.aspx
Or https://www.amazon.com/Abigail-Almanac-Amazing-American-Women/dp/0689858191/
 
Soooo:
Is your girl prepared for her interview with Harvey Weinstein or Bill Cosby yet?