​“I now resemble nothing so much as an iguana.” In Kurt Vonnegut’s letter to high school students, November 5, 2006, at the age of 84.

Don’t tell young people, but aging sucks. The body you had, that could stay up all night, drink and eat to excess and recover overnight, propel you to unbelievable feats of endurance, lose a few pounds in a week. That body will turn into an iguana.

I remember my young body. It could run along mountain ridges in the Alps for an hour or two. Hike up and down nine miles and 7,000 feet of elevation on the South Rim of the Grand Canyon. Walk ten miles a day for ten days through the Lake District in the U.K. The day after some of these peak bursts of physicality was normal: get up, eat, enjoy the day. No big deal.

Now, driving more than two hours means back pain and fatigue. Fatigue can be life-threatening, because your reactions are sluggish, lazy. 

Worst of all: the iguana effect. Repulsive, soft pads of fat here and there, a few lumps that even hang down (upper arms). Loose, mottled skin that stretches like a plucked chicken’s. Where was that “definition” you took for granted?

Let’s not even think about the sex appeal of big, flaccid surfaces. Big bellies that cannot be sucked in.

All Hail, Iguanas!

Let’s celebrate being ALIVE, first. (Everybody did not make it to “iguana.”) Then, the value of wisdom, wit, and personality that can make people forget the housing.

The Hindus say there are four stages of life. After the “hermit” who is “retired” there is “the wandering recluse,” the “forest dweller.”
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We may, in the body of an iguana, seek spirituality and peace in our private forest. I’d like company there, and if that’s the dress code, so be it.

When I retired, I applied the methods of strategic planning to my life, to figure out what I wanted to do, so that I would focus my energy, and not go off in all directions. These are my Framing Questions
 
Your Happy Places
First, brainstorm: what activities and skills make you happy? Think back to your happiest times: what were you doing?  (e.g. hiking, knitting, gardening, cooking, playing with kids…)
 
Suppressed Wishes, Dreams
Second, uncover suppressed wishes and desires, by asking 3 questions:

If you had money, how would you live?
           (This gets at dreams that you may have censored to be practical.
What if you won the lottery?)

If you had 5 years left, what would you do?
           (This highlights your priorities)

If you had 24 hours left, what did you miss or regret?
           (“Darn, I wish I had done X….” “I wish I had taken the time…”)

[The source of these is George Kinder, in his work on life planning.]
 

Successes & Strengths

• What are some of the major successes in your life? What are at least five good things you have accomplished? What are you really good at? What do you find fulfilling? What would you like to be known for? What are you better at than most people? Do you have some clear niches?
• E.g. “I am a better cook than most.””I’ve written some dynamite reports.” “Audiences really like me.” “People seek me out for advice on X.”

 
Challenges

• Are there things that prevent you from doing what you want to do? Constraints on following your dreams? Too many things in the way?  
• E.g., poor health, financial burdens, lack of family support

 
Climate

• What conditions around you support what you like to do, and what conditions work against you? Are there national-local-family trends that are favorable or unfavorable? What situation around you will work for you? What situations will work against you?  
• E.g. “There are a zillion other people who want to have a food truck right now.”

  
Opportunities

• Are the stars aligned for you in certain areas? New resources that you can leverage? Connections with people that you have= social capital? Is there a great need for something you can provide?  
• E.g. “I have great connections for XX activity.” “I have all the equipment I need to do XX.” “There is great demand for home-delivered meals.” “I have super credibility with people who will pay for advice on XX.”

 
Vision for the Future: PLAN

• What is your dream scenario? Who would you like to be, if you had your wish? What would you like to try to accomplish?  
• List your top three goals in priority order. Note your plans for investing in the goals: how much time will you invest, and when?

 

• E.g. “I want to be a creative writer.” “I want to help animal shelters.” “I want to design an English garden.” “I want to be a go-to expert for party planning.” “I want to work in the area of financial literacy.” “I want to produce information products, like book reviews, opinion articles, guides for living.”

 

• E.g. “I will spend 1/3 of my time over the next year to become a Master Gardener.” “I will spend 1/3 of my time on family and friends.” “I will spend 1/3 of my time on my personal health and exercise.” “If I don’t make $5,000 a year as a Reiki Master in one year, I will rethink this investment.” “I am going to offer proof-reading services on FIVERR.COM and gardening services on TASKRABBIT and NEXTDOOR, and give it two years to make $4,000 per year.”

 
Partners

• Are there former partners whom you could seek to team with? Are there certain types of people you need to find as new partners?

 
Resources

• Are there things you need that you don’t have, in order to be successful with the new dream? Information, skills, equipment, money? Where can you get them? How much will it cost to chase this dream?
• E.g., “I need to know how to do XX. I can get there if I read/take a class/talk to an expert/etc.” “I need to raise money. Maybe Kickstarter?”

Did you make a formal plan for your retirement activities? Want to share it?

Assessment

• Why do you want to downsize your stuff?
• How do you feel about doing it?
• Who else cares about it? How will they help or hinder you?
• What impact will it have on your life?
• What is your timeframe?
• How much do you want to reduce overall, ballpark?  (e.g., 10%, 50%, 25%)
• On a table, list the biggest types of stuff that are a problem.
  • Books
  • Papers & records
  • Furniture
  • Family toys and memorabilia
  • Clothes
  • Shopping stuff – extra towels, appliances, knicknacks
  • Kitchen things
  • Dishes and glasses
  • Tools
  • Food storage
  • Wall hangings, pictures
• Put a number (1 to 3) or draw a circle next to it for the SIZE relative to all your things. Which stuff is the biggest problem in terms of needing to downsize?  (1 = small, 3=large)
• Put one to three checks beside each circle for how easy it would be to part with some of the things in this group. (1=hard, 3=easy)
• Put a percentage next to the bubble for how much of this stuff you really should downsize, e.g., 10%, 25%.
• Draw a smiley face or a frown face for which type of stuff/bubble would get the most reward from someone else or the most resistance from someone else. E.g., “my spouse will never let me get rid of the furniture we inherited from his/her parent.”
• Now prioritize which type of stuff has THE BIGGEST PAYOFF and the EASIEST PATH for you. For example: “Reducing my books by 50% would allow me to free up living space and my spouse would be thrilled.”  Or, “My clothes take over 4 closets and I would have room for my new hobby if I reduced by 50%.”  Or, “Getting rid of all my tools is necessary for us to move from a house to an apartment.”
• Starting with the top priority, on a separate piece of paper, put a heading for the type of stuff (books, clothes, collectibles, etc.)  Underneath, identify options for disposal:  sell, donate, give away, throw away as trash, give to family, etc.  Put a star or two beside those that are really promising. Do this for anything that is a big part of your belongings and/or poses a problem.
•  Now under each priority group, estimate how much time you have to devote TO THIS GROUP of stuff, and how long it would take you without help.  E.g., two months, two weeks, a few days.  Identify any sources of help (my son/daughter would gladly help me sort through photos, my sister wants dishes and would help, I can hire a student to sort my books or papers, I can hire an organizer).  (Look at taskrabbit.com as a possible source of help with limited tasks.)
• Now look at all your priority groups, and identify: which ones are a HIGH PRIORITY, have various promising routes for disposal, and can be done quickly. RANK all your priority groups by these criteria.
• You now have an ACTION PLAN.  You can see how long it will take to tackle your problem of stuff. You can see how much it will cost you in time and/or money and/or help.

Action Plan

• Get a calendar.  Make a timeline starting now. Enter each group of stuff as a header.  Under each header, identify the options for disposal that you identified before (sell, donate, etc.).
• For each group, draw a line or fill in cells for weeks/months for the amount of time you estimated it would take to tackle the group. After you’ve finished one group, put the next group on the calendar.
• Communicate your Action Plan with others who care about you and your stuff to enlist their support. Ask them to commit to supporting you, morally or really, in keeping on target.

​GET GOING!

• Mark off progress on the timeline.  E.g., Books donated to library.

There is a movie genre I would call “the spouse gets alzheimers and dies.”  Or very close to it. My favorites:

Amour (2012)

Still Alice (2014)

Away from Her (2006)

Iris (2001)

Cherry Blossoms (2008)

They say that Hollywood is ageist and doesn’t think there is an audience for movies about older people.

(Pause for laughter and snide comments.)

Here are my current favorites for old farts and crones having a good and meaningful time. I don’t give you descriptions because you can find everything online, including movie trailers, if you google the title of the movie.
 
The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel (2011)

The Second Best Exotic Marigold Hotel (2015)

Ladies in Lavender (2004)

Land Ho! (2014)

Frankie and Grace (2015, Amazon Prime)

Elsa and Fred (2015)

I’ll See You In My Dreams (2015)

Whales of August (1987)

The Bucket List (2007)
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Quartet (2012)

Among memoirs and novels is a genre I call “rotten childhood” stories. The ones I’ve read seem to fall in these groups:

1. My parents were crazy
2. My parents were mean
3. My parents were wildly interesting and maybe not too interested in me

I don’t know anybody with a childhood that was all puppies and ice cream. Maybe you do, and you won’t identify here. Reading these “Oh my GOSH” tales is therapeutic. They might make your own childhood and its disappointments feel downright boring and trivial. (“Nobody taught me how to cook an egg!”) Or, you can think, “That’s nothing, wait until you hear what happened to me.”

A childhood happens to us before we have any wits about us. We don’t get a “do-over” on our childhood. (We do get “do-overs” in romance, jobs, etc.)  By the time you figure out just how it was faulty, you are old, your parents are old, and you need to get over it, get strong and healthy, and redirect your life from a path of hardship and trauma to one of blissful happiness or satisfaction.
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Here’s some do-it-yourself therapy. We might has well enjoy unraveling the mysteries of our misery, as these authors do.

THE CRAZY
​
Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls.  Charismatic, artistic hippy parents keep moving the kids from one hovel to another, totally uninterested in the conveniences of daily life like food and heat. The kids have to scrounge for food, clothing, dignity. The only way out is to grow up and go away.
​
Running With Scissors by Augusten Burroughs. The author’s mother gives him to a psychiatrist to raise. There are no rules. The house is neglected. A guy living in a backyard shed is a pedophile. The bizarre family prides itself on being anarchists.
 
What I Had Before I Had You by Sarah Cornwell. A portrayal of what life is like as a bipolar mother, and then bipolar son. Lies told to cover up rejection by family. Lack of supervision, crazy adventures.

​THE MEAN
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Falling Leaves: The True Story of an Unwanted Chinese Daughter by Adeline Yen Mah. Her mother dies when she is young and the stepmother is a witch, with no protection from her father. The kids are kept in a back room, starved, tormented, abused. The author struggles to be loved, far into adulthood, demonstrating the powerful grip of even abusive parents. Hair-raising story of surviving cruelty and misfortune as a Chinese girl in 1940s Hong Kong.
 
Stitches by David Small. A boy is the son of a radiologist who subjects him to x-rays and gives him cancer. He loses his voice. A graphic novel that captures the silent scream of this child, who finally gets away.

​Help Yourself For Teens by Dave Pelzer. This is not a memoir or a novel; it’s an advice book. Inside, however, the author tells us about his early life with an unbelievably abusive mother. Basically, she tortured him. She put him in a bathroom with ammonia and bleach, which could have killed him. She didn’t feed him for fourteen days. She stabbed him and wouldn’t take him to the emergency room. He was taken away and put into foster care. The wisdom he shares is phenomenal: a testament to the potential for recovery of a healthy sense of self. This is like reading the wisdom gained by a survivor of the holocaust, only it was personal.

THE REMOTE

A House in the St. John’s Wood by Matthew Spender. The author compulsively reconstructs his parents’ lives, separate and together. They are English elites with a fabulous bohemian social life. Stephen Spender is a famous poet, his wife Natasha well known. The father has frequent openly gay relationships, Natasha is loyal to her gay husband. There are crazy family feuds. A glamorous literary life fueled by sex, and the kids are on the side, trying to figure it out.

This Boy’s Life by Tobias Wolff. A boy’s mother takes him away from his father and brother on a crazy life on the move that is all about her and her flight from reality. There’s a hostile stepfather. He runs away to Alaska, steals cars, and finally makes a life for himself out of the chaos.
 
(Pending, April 2016) The Rainbow Comes and Goes: a Mother and Son On Life, Love, and Loss by Anderson Cooper and Gloria Vanderbilt. The famous mother who is a designer and tycoon, who had relationships with Howard Hughes and Frank Sinatra, lives a very full whirlwind life. One son commits suicide in his twenties. At ninety-one, she connects with her son Anderson Cooper, a busy and famous journalist, in a new closer relationship. The book is an email correspondence.

                When people recall a near-death experience, they often report that they experienced a “life review” that comes to them in nearly an instant and is like a video of major events of their life. Some of the events are surprising, seemingly trivial, and long forgotten: the time you shared your bike as a kid, or the time you took food to a neighbor when they were sick. The events are significant in revealing your character (morals) or a pivot point in the making of YOU.

                I say the events usually have a “moral” dimension because I believe in karma, and I think this review is summarizing choices you made or things that happened to you that were key elements in the challenges you were incarnated to meet.

                Some who believe in reincarnation say that when your soul is between lives, it “chooses” the next life for certain challenges. Will you be a rich and corrupt person, a victim of violence, a severely disabled person, a bland person whose inner dreams are foiled? (The goal of every life is to “grow your soul.” Level of difficulty can be easy or hard.)

                When we write fiction, we try to introduce, into our main character’s story, something called a plot point. Usually there are only two major plot points in a play or a novel, with a few “pinch points.” A major plot point is a significant event that spins the action around in another direction. (See Larry Brooks’ Story Physics.) Brooks says that, in a novel, “something enters the story in a manner that affects and alters the hero’s status, plans, and beliefs, forcing him to take action.” It “raises the stakes” in the story and usually involves conflict. Plot points are challenges the writer made up to make the story interesting.

                In fact, I think the key to creating a fictional story is inventing or conceiving a few plot points or pivot points that fascinate you and reveal a character’s deeper identity and struggles. Something HAPPENS, in the course of a story; there’s a change. Someone falls in love and is transformed. Someone is murdered and the detective pursues the murderer. A kid rises from poverty and discovers a magnificent drug.

                Every one of us has a story, a life story. People who write their memoirs are mining their lives for significant events. Things that “shaped their lives,” “made them who they are,” “became their identity.”

                A therapist may ask you, “name a few adjectives that describe you,” or “name some of your failings.” And behind those are probably a story: why you think you were “made”  Strong. Sweet. Mean. Kind. Boring. Dynamic. Sad.

                Catherine Bateson, the daughter of Margaret Mead and Gregory Bateson, wrote a memoir called Composing a Life. She was capturing the idea that we make our lives, either through reacting to what happens, or working to have things turn out a certain way.

                What is your life story? If you were a character in a novel, how would you describe you? What are some of your “plot points?” How do you want the rest of the story to go? What are your big themes?

                Recently a friend told me about a person in her life who caused her extreme, constant distress. (She is seeing a therapist.) Since she’s a writer, I suggested that she write a short narrative about “my life without this person in it.” How would you be different if you could change a giant negative element in your emotional life? (“What if…”)

                The principle is: “Live as if you are the author of the story of your life.” What kind of character are you creating? What’s happened to them? What do you want to happen next? What would you like to see in that “life review?”

People who take care of other people’s teens are heroes.

When I was in high school, I was a first-generation immigrant. When my debate team wanted to go to the state competition in another city, as a group, my parents freaked out. They didn’t know anything about how these things go, even with teacher-chaperones. All they knew was that I was entering a dark and dangerous world and they were losing control.

After many sobbing negotiations and assurances, they let me go. We carpooled to a nearby city, stayed in a hotel, and entered dozens of competitions. I was partnered with an experienced girl as a debate team partner. There was a national topic, and we carried a little metal file box of 4 x 6 index cards, divided between “for” and “against” the topic. You had to swing both ways. Your notes were citations, talking points, arguments. Teams on opposite sides each had two 7-minute time slots in which to argue. The hardest part was to LISTEN to the other side, and counter their points precisely, not just pitch a standard speech every time.

For some reason, my partner and I were good. First research, then listening, fast retrieval, feeding each other cards or laying them on the table for each other as the other team spoke.

Thus hero #1 was the Debate Coach. He led this optional geeky club to occasional victory. Put up with the craziness of our varied personalities and dramas. Took us through the dark journey of Travel  Away From the Parents.

My parents were right. You can’t protect kids from stupid stuff. One boy, at our team dinner, slipped the key to his room to me. I pushed it back. We all SHARED our rooms with a same-sex teen. What was he thinking? He’d probably watched movies and thought, yeah, that’s how you make a move. I didn’t tell. Nothing happened. Except I remember the moment, the flush on my face, the bewildering thought, “WHAT?” “What do I say? What do I do?” I was frozen, and that was a good thing.

The Girl Scouts are really what grew me. Our leader organized our hike on the 100-mile Wonderland Trail around Mt. Rainier. We took about 15 days. We planned, shopped, packaged, and divided up all the food between us. Some of us didn’t even know how to cook, but the instructions were in the plastic bag with the powdered oatmeal mix or whatever. We had to carry 30-35 lb packs, etc etc.

There were girls who cried, especially the first and second day. There was no turning back. We learned that someone had to stay with the slower hiker. Several might have to split her pack. We weren’t all equal in attitude and strength. And some were real wusses. But we HAD to get along, and everyone made the trip.

Read about the trail at http://www.nps.gov/mora/planyourvisit/the-wonderland-trail.htm .

The real hero here is my Scout leader. She gave me an early adventure. The rest of my life, I could think, “I made it; it seemed impossible.” “Take care of the team.” “Don’t be afraid.” “Have fun and jump in the glacial water.” “Take care of things, and lead if a situation needs a leader.”
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I never thanked her enough because I was an insecure, confused, self-centered teenager. All I could think of was “Wow, look at us!” I had no sense for all the things she did, in the background, to make this happen, until MUCH later.  She took me out of my refugee-immigrant, fearful, controlling, insular home and brought me to the Wonderland Trail. Thanks, Mrs. Anderson. And the Girl Scouts.

One holiday letter (from Joyce) says: “My list of family and friends in distress grows.”

This phenomenon definitely sets my age group apart from young’uns. We’re on the marathon of living and aging, and our people are falling down. We have time to notice.

The joke is that old people talk about their ailments all the time. It’s like a hobby. It’s not a hobby, though. It’s a new normal to have your body give up here and there. You are processing failures all the time, and trying to fix them or mitigate them. Hanging on to wellness as best you can, with advice from your peers.

Around the young’uns, we try not to dwell on “what just happened,” pills, hurts, the details of doctor’s diagnoses. But when we get together, we want to know, “what happened?” “what did you do?” and “can you fix it?” as if these were Heloise’s Hints.

Hip or knee replacement, losing weight, your tenth cold this year, back pain, cancer, mini-stroke, high blood pressure—you know the list.

Here are some positives.

First, if you’re alive, still mobile, driving, have food on the table: be grateful. Some people didn’t make it this far, in this condition.

Second, some things get better. You can change your diet, tackle that new allergy that just arrived. Fix the limp. Start your exercise classes again.

Third, many have gone before you, fat, full of aches and pains, fatigue, an upset stomach, and they STILL DO STUFF. “Most of history was made by people who did not feel well.” You can be there for friends and family.  Sure, it’s not your old self. It’s your new self, with courage. Sure, you might look like hell. But your friends and family don’t care about that. They might not even see it. Is that the first thing you see in them?

Finally, GIVE EMPATHY.  We can’t cure each other. We may not have the answer to that horrible thing that just happened to you. But we can say, “YOU’RE NOT ALONE.” I’m here, I care, and I’ll listen to you in your latest battle with bodily failure. I’ll pamper you within my limits. I’m glad you’re alive.
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We have a senior friend who is Korean in a very caring church. A van picks her up to take her to the senior center, where they have exercise machines, crafts, music events. Company. They call her all the time to ask “how are you?”  She’s not in distress, at the moment. She’s been in distress, and we helped and listened. She’s good again. Even happy. 

Are you really going to spend the rest of your life (10+ years) “off the grid” of the internet and smart phones? You don’t use email. Don’t text. Can’t see photos your family is sharing all over the place.  Don’t SHOP online. Have to go to the bank to check your bank account. Pay bills using paper mostly.

I admit it’s not easy to buy a computer, tablet, or smart phone, and then keep it going without help. Just remember people all over the world who are illiterate are JUMPING on the internet. Why? Because they do learn enough to reap huge benefits, like communicating cheaply with family. Even doing business on a cell phone.  YOU CAN DO IT TOO.

For example, the simplest thing is to get a tablet. It could cost you under $400. Which should last 3-4 years.

THE THINGS YOU MIGHT WANT TO LEARN:

• Using email
• Reading Books
• Using the camera
• Looking at photos and opening shared photos
• Sharing a photo, making an online album
• Buying things online
• Checking your bank account
• Reading breaking news headlines and articles

​Tricks that are in your way:

• Register the tablet and get an account on Amazon (for Kindle) or Apple Store so you can buy books and “apps” (little icons that do something, like an alarm clock).
• Learn how to access free WiFi, or connect to WiFi in your living space
• How to use EMAIL
• Screen navigation: swiping side to side, tapping to get bottom options displayed, swiping down from top for settings
• How the keyboard appears when you need to enter data
• Buying new apps:  go to APPS tab, set to DEVICE not CLOUD, go to STORE, search for apps by name, download. Free APPS will not incur any charges.
• What you can do when you are NOT on WiFi:
  • Read books
  • Listen to music
  • Alarm clock etc
• Things you can ONLY do when on a WiFi network: refresh mail, read news, use Skype
• How to buy a kindle book or music:  go to AMAZON app, when you order something it will ask for AMAZON account confirmation, and Amazon profile includes a credit card. For Example, search “Mark Twain free”

HOW DO YOU GET THERE?

Get a student to be your personal tutor. This person is like a babysitter or a personal trainer: they are going to spend a number of hours to help you. You can go at your own speed, ask all the questions you want.
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To find a tutor: If you know somebody who is computer savvy, have them search for “private computer tutor [my county]”   You might find websites like “universitytutors” “student tutors” or “in-person tutoring students.”  Students will be cheaper and know everything you want to learn. You can SHARE a tutor to save costs, if you want to go forth with a friend.

Or, go to a class at your library or senior center and ask if they can refer you to a tutor. Or, just take the classes there if you can.

Buy a copy of Abby Stokes’  book:  Is This Thing On? A Friendly Guide to Everything Digital for Newbies, Technophobes, and the Kicking & Screaming (March 2015 edition). 

(FYI You can buy this book online at amazon.com, as a paperback, new or used, and as an ebook:  http://www.amazon.com/This-Thing-Everything-Technophobes-Screaming/dp/0761183809/ )

If you already know how to get online but want to work on skills and have somebody lead you to new things:  http://askabbystokes.com/

She specializes in “silver surfers.” In fact, get your tutor to help you learn to navigate her site, because she has VIDEO TUTORIALS and step-by-step tutorials. You can do these without a tutor, eventually.

Think of the Internet and smart phones as a grand new toy. Find out why people JUMP for this! You can join the party!